Faith Over Fear

Dear Mommy Candice (Part 2), Remember when you wrote "Dear Mommy Candice" to the mom you hoped to be one day?...oh yea, you were actually pregnant then and you didn't even know it.  Fooled ya! Good thing you didn't actually go horseback riding and drink that purse full of wine. Remember when you didn't get a positive ovulation test that month and you were kind of ticked off because you felt like you had taken those "evil-twin Candice" inducing meds for no reason?  But then you decided to not be mad about it because then you could just relax that month and know that good ol' aunt flo was coming at the end of the month, without it being a surprised or disappointed.  Well, I'm pretty sure that was God's way of "tricking" you into relaxing and being even more  surprised when you got that positive pregnancy test...God's cool that way (even though you still made Will buy 2 more pregnancy tests, just to confirm that you weren...

Dear Mommy Candice,  It is currently August 1, 2012 and I thought I'd write you so you can look back at this when you are feeding your infant some morning at 3am...and need a little chuckle.  Today I woke up slightly cranky and a bit bitter about the situation I am currently in...but you know what else I did? I slept 8 hours last night...I bet you miss that, don't ya?    You know what I did the other day? Had some wine...remember wine?...Didn't think so.  Wow, it is just so peaceful at home right now, I just love the silence. Oh, what's that? You don't know what silence feels like anymore? I'm sorry.  Is your favorite channel still Food Network or has the TV been taken over by "Baby Einstein DVDs" yet? Remember when your clothes didn't contain remnants of puke and poop? I do.  I'm wearing clean clothes as we speak (minus the brownie crumbs). It's okay, one day your clothes will be clean too, just give it 5 years or so.  ...

I really wish Mondays and I got along...we just don't. Unless I have them off, then we're best friends. (what up, long weekend!) Time for some devotions, sleep and an attitude adjustment.  Here's to a new week! Hope yours is great :)

Last night I found myself desperately searching for the light at the end of the tunnel.  Man,  this thing called life can just be downright hard sometimes. Hope seems to run away from you and you find yourself trying to catch it like a game of "got you last!" One by one it seems that lives change around me and yet I feel like I'm standing still...just watching. I don't want to live in mediocrity. I don't want to be the "blah" feeling I suffered from the past couple days. I want to be filled with passion, filled with joy and on fire for the Lord. Many days I do feel that fire but other days I am like a flickering candle that can barely stay lit in the breeze. I am flimsy, I am weak, I am dim. Why do I let things steal my joy and happiness so easily? I apologize for my depressing rant...self pity is a slippery slope and I decided to jump on it yesterday. It gets better, I swear.  This mornin...

Can we just take a minute to talk about how wonderfully amazing this guy is?  Wow, I am so blessed that God picked me to be his wife.  I don't even know where to begin describing how much this man rocks my world.  I mean, he still gives me butterflies just by holding my hand, I love that!  When I first met him, I knew that there was something special about this guy - his heart was  on fire for the Lord and he wasn't afraid to share it.  He also wasn't afraid to make fun of me which was a plus is my book (if you know me, you have to have a sense of humor to get along with me...no duds allowed!) I couldn't wait for the next time that I would get to see him and spend time with him - I cherished every minute (and still do!) I remember after we got engaged I would cry to my mom, "I just want to get married at the courthouse! I don't care about a wedding, I just want to marry Will!" (dramatic? yes...but I couldn't wait to be his wife!)   ...

I had a doctor appointment earlier this week to sit down with my doctor and re-assess our "situation".  I left feeling hopeful and encouraged, but also nervous.  We are changing a few things here and there about what we are doing, and change always makes me a bit anxious. You know what else makes me nervous...side effects.  I really have been trying to laugh them off.  I mean, I can usually tell when I am over-reacting to something or being irrational from these meds - like when I spill half the mac n' cheese in the sink while draining the water and almost have a complete meltdown, until Will laughs and says "it's just mac n' cheese hun, it's not the end of the world!" (For those of you who haven't met Will, he is pretty much super amazing...and hott).  Or when I want to punch someone in the face just for breathing too loudly...no worries, I have never physically harmed anyone...just in my head.  Some days  are easier to laugh it off tha...

Did you know that sunflowers follow the direction of the sun so that they can bask in it all day long? It's called  Heliotropism (big word for me, I know), I believe other flowers do it as well. I guess I didn't realize that till I heard it on K-LOVE, and I just thought it was pretty cool!  Bear with me, I do have a point in all this...  I am worrier, plain and simple.  I always have been. For example: In elementary school, I was so worried that if I went to a friend's house for a sleepover, that something bad would happen to my family while I was away.  I don't know where that came from, but it gave me anxiety, so I wouldn't go.  Or I would go, and then end up going home because I was too consumed by worry (no, it wasn't because I was nervous that people wouldn't like my Jasmine & Aladdin pajamas).   Super irrational, I realize this now.  I could go on with stories like this, because there are many,  but I won't. ...

                                           At times, this journey can be a lonely one.  Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing husband, family and friends who are there for me all the time, whenever I may need them, but sometimes this can just be plain lonely.  Sitting in the appointments, going through "examinations", getting numerous tests done, taking the medications, dealing with their side-effects and handling monthly disappointments can take it's toll on a person.  To all the ladies I know (and don't know) who are going through this same journey and to all of you who are struggling with other trials, today I am reminding you (and myself) that you are not alone.  These things you are going through are not in vain, He has a plan and purpose for you and will not let you go through this alone.  Let's focus on that today.  "I wi...

When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes  You are good, so good. ~Nichole Nordeman Sometimes I forget about the true goodness of God. He is so good and He cares about every single detail of our lives.  For example:  Years ago, when my friends were in college and I was at good ol' beauty school, I went to Hope College to visit my friends and attend a "decade party".  "What's a decade party?" you ask...oh, well let me tell you.  It's basically a party where you dress up in the "trends" of any decade you desire...and I mean any - there were even a few guys there that dressed up like cave-men, so...yea. Anyway, this one, specifically, was a huge gathering thrown at a hotel banquet room...I believe it was a fundraiser? (Hope girls, correct me if I'm wrong).  I went to the thrift store to pick out my costume and had no idea what I wanted to dress up as. I remember thinking in my head "Ok, Lord, help me find somethin...

From this one place I can't see very far in this one moment I'm square in the dark these are the things I will trust in my heart you can see something else something else  ~ Sara Groves Discouragement can be a nasty bitch (pardon the language).   Sometimes this whole thing is just hard to swallow...and sometimes it just plain sucks. I hate when the feeling of hopelessness rears it's ugly head. There is frustration in knowing that getting pregnant is completely out of my control - I mean, yes I can do all the "right" things -  I can eat right, exercise (does blogging count as exercise...?), I can take the fertility drugs my doctor prescribes me, stand on my head (it's amazing the ridiculous things you will do) and so on, but no matter what, there is nothing I can do to absolutely ensure it happens and some days that makes me want to give up.  On the other hand, there is peace in knowing that all I can do right now is give ...

Dear Candice,  I know that sometimes you think that I am hiding from you and from time to time you doubt my presence, but I want you to know that I am here... always .   He has never let you down   never looked the other way when you were being kicked around. He has never wandered off to do his own thing; He has been right there, listening Psalms 22: 24 (The Message) You seem to think that I didn't see those tears that you cried into your pillow the other night when things didn't turn out the way you were truly hoping for this time around, but I did.  I was there with you.  I care about every detail of your life and I want you to lay every burden at my feet.  Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7  Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5 It's human nature to want to doubt my goodness when things don't go your way or when the wait for something that you so desire fo...

Living in the present is hard sometimes.  I still remember being in sixth grade, wearing my velour leopard pants (what was I thinking, right?), and dreaming of being "grown up" - No more school, I could get married, be a mom, oh and also become the 6th Spice Girl, which was my main goal at the age of 12...and still a little bit at the age of 27.  My mom would always tell me to enjoy the days that I had and live in the moment and I would always think, "no way, things will be so much better when I get older!" Looking back, I have NO idea what I thought could be easier than the 6th grade life...I mean, really, what could possibly have been stressing me out? I was probably just bummed that "Dunkaroos" and "Koala Yummies" were no longer going to be around.  Those were good, right?  But I digress... I don't know if it's true for you, but I know that for myself it is always easy to think "things will be better if this or that...

"Perfect submission, all is at rest, I in my Savior am happy and blest, Watching and waiting, looking above, Filled with His goodness, lost in His love." ~Blessed Assurance We sang this song today as we laid my Grandma, Edith Vos, to rest.  What a magnificent woman of God she was.  I am so thankful that I got to be a part of her life. While it was bittersweet to say good-bye to her on Mother's Day weekend, it was also so wonderful to be able to celebrate the life of a inspirational woman who was an amazing example of Christ's love on a daily basis.  She never sweat the small stuff and she always gave the large stuff to God - I believe her exact words were, "Get on your knees, pray about it then forget about it." Good words to live by.  She did not live a life without trials but she never let them break her spirit, she knew there was Someone bigger who was in control.  Her laughter was contagious and she always had a great sense of humor...which ...

"All this pain.. I wonder if I'll ever find my way. I wonder if my life could really change, at all. All this earth.. Could all that is lost ever be found? Could a garden come up from this ground, at all? ...You make beautiful things out of  us."   ~ Beautiful Things - Gungor I don't know if you have ever heard that song, but it is one of my favorites.  While listening to K-Love a while back I heard the lead singer talking about the meaning behind this song.  Tears came to my eyes when I heard him explain how his wife wrote this song in the midst of struggling with infertility.  He said that not only was she going through this pain, but she had noticed that there were a lot of people in their church and community who were going through times of trial as well.  "This song is an expression of hope that God will make beautiful things out of the dust in our lives, and God will somehow use us, use our obedience and love, our feeble human eff...

Complaining has become a habit of mine.  Man, do I complain a lot. How annoying is that?  I don't think I realized how much of a whiner I was until this whole "situation" came about.  When you start to focus on one negative thing, it is so easy to let other negatives seep in.  All of the sudden it was like I was focusing on everything that I thought was wrong with my life.  Not a good way to go about your days. That, and no one wants to be around a whiner ~"whiners are wieners"...and I was being a major wiener.  When December 31st came around I was more than ready to say good bye to 2011, it was not my favorite year.  Something clicked on January 1st.  I think I was inspired by the excitement of a new year and new "resolutions" (which I personally never make - unless subconsciously I decided that my resolution would be to eat more donuts.  If that's the case, then I totally nailed it) but I felt like this was a fres...

I have two scars on my lower abdomen.  One on the left side and one on the right.  For a while I did not like them.  They are not "pretty", they are rather permanent, and they are asymmetrical (come on, doc, if you're gonna make incisions, at least make em' even!) They were a daily reminder of everything that was not happening inside my body.   Exactly a year ago, this past Saturday, I had surgery to remove a rather large cyst on my left ovary.  While I thought it might have been the answer to why I had not gotten pregnant yet, it was not.  Even though I still really don't have any more answers today, I have warmed up to these suckers.  Actually, I am a little bit proud of them.   Now instead of feeling saddened by them, they give me hope and remind me that God chose this path for me.  He's not going to leave me hanging.  He's the one that sustains me each day and He is the one that gives me strength.  So for no...

Have you ever had one of "those days"?   We all have. If you say haven't, you're lying, and lying isn't cool.  Being on Clomid can induce "those days" a lot more often (for those of you who don't know what Clomid is - it is a fertility drug...pills, hormones, ovaries, eggs, etc - you get the point.) Anyway, I thought I would illustrate what one of these days can look like...while most are not as dramatic as this one - I just wanted to get the point across. I may or may not have had a day like the one illustrated below... It starts out all fine and dandy. Although you feel like there may be something lurking in the corner of your subconscious, you ignore it and begin your day. The world is your oyster. Life is great!  Then...something happens. It can be big, it can be small. Maybe it is an annoying co-worker who likes to chew loudly in your presence, maybe a grumpy client you have to deal with, perhaps a bad hair day...wh...