Change.

I had a doctor appointment earlier this week to sit down with my doctor and re-assess our "situation".  I left feeling hopeful and encouraged, but also nervous. 

We are changing a few things here and there about what we are doing, and change always makes me a bit anxious.

You know what else makes me nervous...side effects. 

I really have been trying to laugh them off.  I mean, I can usually tell when I am over-reacting to something or being irrational from these meds - like when I spill half the mac n' cheese in the sink while draining the water and almost have a complete meltdown, until Will laughs and says "it's just mac n' cheese hun, it's not the end of the world!" (For those of you who haven't met Will, he is pretty much super amazing...and hott).  Or when I want to punch someone in the face just for breathing too loudly...no worries, I have never physically harmed anyone...just in my head. 

Some days are easier to laugh it off than others.  There are times when the hormones like to give me an extra dose of "sap"...meaning I can cry at anything...like a tv commercial- and no, I'm not talking about that Sarah McLaughlin one with the dogs, that one could bring the happiest person straight into depression, let's be honest. 

Basically, I am sharing this so those of you around me the next few months will know what to lookout for (ie: "oh don't worry, that's just Candice, she's on her meds...").

The next thing I learned at my appointment (which I knew before, but tried to ignore) was that I need to "stress less".  As my doctor says, "stress makes cortisol levels higher, and higher levels means lower fertility rates." Funny how hearing that made me more stressed.

Anyway, I have always known this to be true, but have tried to pretend that it doesn't apply to me. 

Don't get me wrong, I really do not lead a stressful life in the way you are thinking. I am very good at physically relaxing (almost too good), and my job does not burn me out.  It's the mental stress and anxiety that really gets me.  I tend to let myself get overwhelmed quite easily and I let the "what ifs" drag me down, which in turn leaves my body feeling the effects of anxiety and stress. 

Here's the thing, I do not know quite how to change this.  This is how I have been for way too long that some times I feel that I can never get out of this cycle. 

On the other hand, a light-bulb went off, "maybe this is something God is working on during this time of waiting...this needs to be brought to my attention because the longer I let it go, the harder it will be to change...especially when we have kids!"  

So I am opening myself up to changing this and to seeing what God has to reveal.  I know there will be days where I still get overwhelmed upon a new curve-ball thrown at me, but I need to be more aware of my reaction to this. It does not have to be a stressed out one, it can be one of trust and faith. So far, God has gotten us through so much, more than I thought I could handle, and He always provides, and I mean always. This is what I need to focus on. 

When I get caught up in "I can't believe this! What now?!", I must remind myself  "He has always been faithful".

I do not want this time in our lives to go to waste.  I want to come out of this a better person- the woman God longs for me to be.

Yes, my medications can make that harder some days, and hearing heartbreaking stories from women who are in my situation can make you wonder why all of this has to happen...but I must cling to the fact that we have a God who is bigger than all of it.  He is bigger than any statistic, any heartbreak, any fear. He is God and He can do all things, bigger than we could ever dream or imagine.  

Hallelujah, amen.

“Help me O Lord to recognize Your opportunities in my difficulties.”