Dance in the Rain.
Sometimes I am surprised by how strong God thinks I am. Sometimes I think that He is mistaken...but He is never mistaken. He has a plan. Clearly not the same plan as I had, but a better one - I am sure.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a TV show...maybe a comedy, sometimes a drama (I watch a lot of TV). Usually it's like a comedy, in the sense that every time I turn around someone is telling me that they are pregnant or "going off their pill but not trying yet", which only means it's a matter of time before they too are telling me that they are expecting. (Let's be honest ladies, as soon as we go off that pill the timeline gets moved up.)
I hear these words and suddenly the sound of the "Debbie Downer" skit from SNL comes on "Wah Waaaah" and I want to look up at the sky and say "Really, God, another one?! Can't I keep ONE friend around that isn't thinking of having kids right now? I could use a buddy!"
Sometimes I want to round house kick everyone in the face and/or throw an all out, toddler style, body on the ground, kicking and screaming temper tantrum because things aren't going at all the way I thought they would. I mean, infertility? Me? Never in a million years did I expect this. Never did I think that I would be tested, examined, poked and prodded this much to figure out what is going on. I mean, really? Do that many people need to see my "lady bits"?
It seems like my mom and sister got pregnant when they were just THINKING about having a baby. I was cocky enough to think this would happen for me...nope.
I think that is the beauty of God's plan though, He is on no one else's agenda, but He DOES promise to work everything out for the good of those who love Him...
He knows what is ahead and He knows that being a mother is the deepest desire of my heart, so He is not going to leave me hanging, no matter what the outcome. He knows best. I believe that.
But some days just suck. Today was one of those days. Self pity reared it's ugly head and it wanted to have a party. I indulge in those parties way more than I would like to admit. I put on some "Everybody Hurts" and watch the rain fall down as I sit by a window. No, that doesn't really happen, but sometimes it feels that dramatic and lame.
God has to look at me sometimes and laugh at how dramatic I can be. I relate this to my babysitting/nannying days. I used to watch a little baby who was in the early stages of learning to walk. When I would move him away from a dangerous or sharp "encounter", he would get furious at me because I wasn't letting him do what he wanted and I would think, "doesn't he know that I am just trying to protect him and do what's best for him?" God must think this about me frequently. He moves me away from something, and I kick and scream thinking I know what is better for me. Why must I be so stubborn? Time and time again He reminds me "Be still and know that I am God - I am in control of this, Candice. I got this. Stop worrying and fretting about what's to come, I am not trying to pull some prank on you (sidenote: sometimes I do really ask Him if this is some sort of prank, or if He is "punking me"). It's going to be ok. Let me bless you through this situation. Stay close to me."
Last weekend, at church I heard this saying...well, something close to this - "Sometimes God gives us trials so we may glorify Him through them." It really made me stop and think, "Am I glorifying Him through this? Can people see my Savior shining through me and my attitude?" Unfortunately, not as often as I would like them to.
I am learning a lot through this. Life is not always easy. But what an amazing amount of Joy we can possess if we keep our eyes on the true Creator of all things. This is the Lord that gives and takes away, opens and closes the womb. This is my God and I will trust him.
Yes, some days I will still want to throw my fists in the air and secretly want to kick people Chuck Norris-style (I will blame Clomid for that one), but I will not forget who is in control ~my Father, my Creator, my All in All who says "Candice, I've got this."
Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a TV show...maybe a comedy, sometimes a drama (I watch a lot of TV). Usually it's like a comedy, in the sense that every time I turn around someone is telling me that they are pregnant or "going off their pill but not trying yet", which only means it's a matter of time before they too are telling me that they are expecting. (Let's be honest ladies, as soon as we go off that pill the timeline gets moved up.)
I hear these words and suddenly the sound of the "Debbie Downer" skit from SNL comes on "Wah Waaaah" and I want to look up at the sky and say "Really, God, another one?! Can't I keep ONE friend around that isn't thinking of having kids right now? I could use a buddy!"
Sometimes I want to round house kick everyone in the face and/or throw an all out, toddler style, body on the ground, kicking and screaming temper tantrum because things aren't going at all the way I thought they would. I mean, infertility? Me? Never in a million years did I expect this. Never did I think that I would be tested, examined, poked and prodded this much to figure out what is going on. I mean, really? Do that many people need to see my "lady bits"?
It seems like my mom and sister got pregnant when they were just THINKING about having a baby. I was cocky enough to think this would happen for me...nope.
I think that is the beauty of God's plan though, He is on no one else's agenda, but He DOES promise to work everything out for the good of those who love Him...
He knows what is ahead and He knows that being a mother is the deepest desire of my heart, so He is not going to leave me hanging, no matter what the outcome. He knows best. I believe that.
But some days just suck. Today was one of those days. Self pity reared it's ugly head and it wanted to have a party. I indulge in those parties way more than I would like to admit. I put on some "Everybody Hurts" and watch the rain fall down as I sit by a window. No, that doesn't really happen, but sometimes it feels that dramatic and lame.
God has to look at me sometimes and laugh at how dramatic I can be. I relate this to my babysitting/nannying days. I used to watch a little baby who was in the early stages of learning to walk. When I would move him away from a dangerous or sharp "encounter", he would get furious at me because I wasn't letting him do what he wanted and I would think, "doesn't he know that I am just trying to protect him and do what's best for him?" God must think this about me frequently. He moves me away from something, and I kick and scream thinking I know what is better for me. Why must I be so stubborn? Time and time again He reminds me "Be still and know that I am God - I am in control of this, Candice. I got this. Stop worrying and fretting about what's to come, I am not trying to pull some prank on you (sidenote: sometimes I do really ask Him if this is some sort of prank, or if He is "punking me"). It's going to be ok. Let me bless you through this situation. Stay close to me."
Last weekend, at church I heard this saying...well, something close to this - "Sometimes God gives us trials so we may glorify Him through them." It really made me stop and think, "Am I glorifying Him through this? Can people see my Savior shining through me and my attitude?" Unfortunately, not as often as I would like them to.
I am learning a lot through this. Life is not always easy. But what an amazing amount of Joy we can possess if we keep our eyes on the true Creator of all things. This is the Lord that gives and takes away, opens and closes the womb. This is my God and I will trust him.
Yes, some days I will still want to throw my fists in the air and secretly want to kick people Chuck Norris-style (I will blame Clomid for that one), but I will not forget who is in control ~my Father, my Creator, my All in All who says "Candice, I've got this."
This is beautifully written - partly because you ARE a writer and partly because it came from your heart. We are called to be strong and courageous, Candice, and you are being just that. I am so proud of you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'll be your not-having-a-baby buddy!I want one, but Nathan isn't ready yet. It does feel like every time I turn around someone is telling me they're pregnant, I tend to want to punch them in the face instead of kicking. I worry that I'm taking a pill so that I don't get pregnant and then one day when I go off of it I'll learn I never needed it in the first place. I admire your strength and the courage it takes to talk about something so personal. Having the amount of trust and faith you have in God is difficult on a regular day to day basis and your ability to do it in the midst of such trials is amazing and very inspiring. Now that I know, I will be praying for you!!!
ReplyDeleteThat was written so beautifully, and I love that your hilariousness shines through even while talking about something so difficult :) I love you Candice and it pains me to know that you're in pain :( It's also so difficult for me to know what to say in times like this when someone is hurting in a way I haven't hurt before, but being able to hear your thoughts help me to understand and can help me in the future when talking to/praying for someone going through this. Thank you so much for sharing and I too will be praying for you and Will. God bless you guys :)
ReplyDeleteCandice! So honest and beautiful!! Now I feel like I'm one of those jerks who gets pregnant when she's just THINKING about babies. Such a great post, and is no doubt an inspiration to other women in the same position! God's timing... darn that thing.. but sometimes God's plan shows up when we least expect it so practicing trusting him in EVERY situation is key! Thanks for posting this. God knows the desires of our hearts.... “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
ReplyDeleteLadies! Thank you SO very much for all your encouragement and support, it means the world to me. I feel so thankful for the overwhelming amount of feedback I have gotten from this post. God uses all things to glorify Him!
ReplyDeleteThanks again for your prayers and your beautiful messages.